Memories
by Lauren Wagner
Summary: Lupin thinks back
1. Default Chapter

Damn it.  
  
That was the first thing Remus thought, watching Sirius fall through the veil. He had grabbed Harry absently, telling him that Sirius, his godfather, was dead. His own words sounded hollow and dead to his own ears.  
  
Now, as he sat by the fireplace, staring into the crackling flames, the realization of being alone dawned on him. The Marauders had once been the four strongest friends in Hogwarts. Now; James was dead, Peter was the traitor, Sirius had just gone through the veil, and that only left one.  
  
Remus shook his head slightly, his gaze still on the flames. He raised his wand absently, "Accio Firewhiskey!" The bottle flew into his waiting hand, and he uncorked it with his teeth, spitting the cork into the flames. Narrowing his eyes, Remus took a draught, enjoying the burning sensation as it flowed down his throat.  
  
Smacking his lips, he leaned forward, letting his mind drift back.  
  
** "Now don't forget to be on your best behavior, Remus!" Mrs. Lupin warned softly, gently smoothing out his tattered robes. "We're very lucky to be allowed to send you." She looked down at her son and she sighed, gently tilting his head up. "What's the matter, Remus?"  
  
"What if the other students find out?" Remus asked.  
  
"They won't. The Headmaster promised to keep it a secret." She looked at him, and she raised her eyebrows slightly. "Are you thinking about that Muggle school again?"  
  
"I don't want to be called Loony Loopy Lupin." Remus muttered, looking at the ground once more.  
  
"I can't guarantee that, but you know that Wizards are more understanding than Muggles. Perhaps, it won't be so bad as you think it will!" She checked the clock, turning back to Remus. "It's time to go, Remus. I'll send you an owl everyday." She promised.  
  
Upon boarding the train, Remus found that almost every compartment was full. It as sheer luck that he was able to find one that seemed to have room, only having two trunks inside.  
  
Hoping that whoever owned the trunks wouldn't mind, Remus set his own battered one down, and he took a seat by the window. Before the train even started, he fell asleep.  
  
"Who's this?"  
  
"How am I supposed to know?"  
  
"He looks pretty thin."  
  
"Wake him up then, James!"  
  
Remus heard the voices clearly, and he slowly opened his eyes. He found himself looking at two boys, one with unruly hair and glasses, the other with longer, more tamed hair.  
  
"Who are you?" the boy with glasses asked.  
  
"I.I'm sorry." Remus stammered, getting up. "I can go if." The boy with glasses grabbed his arm and pushed him lightly back into his seat. For a moment Remus grew tense, fearing he had bumped into two bullies. His worry vanished when the boy with glasses smiled.  
  
"We never said you had to leave, mate! Did we ever say that, Sirius?"  
  
"Nope, I don't think so, James." Sirius answered shaking his head.  
  
"I thought so. Now are you going to tell us who you are or not?" James asked, turning back to Remus.  
  
"My name's Remus Lupin. Pleased to meet you." **  
  
Remus frowned, the memory getting cloudy. He went to take another draught, finding the bottle empty. He hurled the bottle into the flames, watching them turn emerald green. He hated these memory lapses. He was getting them more, ever since Sirius died.  
  
Giving a feral growl, Remus narrowed his eyes, trying to remember more from his days in Hogwarts.  
  
** Remus narrowed his eyes, growling with such feral rage, that even James could not say anything at the moment. Grabbing Sirius by the throat, Remus slammed him against the wall, ignoring James and Peter completely.  
  
"How could you be so stupid?!" he snarled in his face. He shook Sirius violently snarling in his face. "I could have killed him!"  
  
"And that's a bad thing?" Sirius tried, smiling weakly. He winced as Remus shouted at the top of his lungs, right into his face.  
  
"YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE ONE SENT TO AZKABAN FOR MURDERING A STUDENT!!!" Quivering with rage, Remus lifted a fist and. **  
  
"Oh for the love of Merlin!" he snarled, shaking his head. He couldn't even remember if he had punched Sirius or not. This was starting to get ridiculous! It was times like this, when Remus couldn't remember a simple thing as if he had or had not punched someone, that he looked at his wand with slight wanting.  
  
He knew the killing spells that left the least amount of mess when used on one's self. He could even use it when he was in bed, making it look like he had simply died in his sleep. Even now, as he looked his wand over, he thought it over very slowly and logically. He would use one of the painless spells of course, no need to have to put yourself through agony. By the time anyone came to see him, it would be at least two weeks afterwards. There was nothing holding him back.  
  
Except, that there was something holding him back. Hedwig came fluttering through an open window and landed on his chair. He removed the letter she had tied to her leg, and he read it quietly.  
  
Harry was the thing holding him back now. Remus was the only one Harry had left. When Harry needed to talk to someone, like now for instance, he always came to Remus.  
  
Sighing, Remus stood up and he got ready to fly over. Harry was his life line at the moment, just as Remus was his. 


	2. The Talk

Harry had asked if they could go the Three Broomsticks to talk. Remus, feeling that this was important, had agreed to it. Now they sat at a booth across from each other, each one with a drink in hand.  
  
Remus watched as Harry swirled his drink around, making the cherry spin around. He looked down into his own, waiting for Harry to start talking first. It was his idea to come and talk, after all.  
  
"So." Harry said softly, "you look.good." Remus shrugged a bit, looking up at Harry.  
  
"So do you. Those Dursleys treating you right?" Remus asked, cocking an eyebrow slightly. Harry laughed softly, nodding.  
  
"Oh they're terrified to even look at me the wrong way!" he said. "Thanks for giving them the warning."  
  
"It was our pleasure. Can't have you going back to a house that makes you miserable now can we?" Remus asked, laughing softly. He looked at Harry, his laughter dying away as he saw the look on Harry's face. "What's the matter?"  
  
"I really miss him you know." Harry said softly. Remus nodded slightly, taking a sip from his drink.  
  
"I know you do."  
  
"How do you cope with it?" Harry asked.  
  
He was met with silence.  
  
After a few minutes had passed in silence, Harry slowly looked up at Remus. It was then that he noticed that Remus was NOT coping with the death at all. Vaguely, he wondered how he could have missed the sunken cheeks, the extra amount of gray in his unbrushed hair, and the huge dark rings under his eyes.  
  
Remus met Harry's eyes, and he looked away at once, giving a soft cough.  
  
Sighing softly, Harry looked down at the table. "I've been thinking about giving up on this whole thing." Remus looked at him, cocking an eyebrow.  
  
"How are you going to give up something that was giving to you since birth?" Remus asked softly.  
  
"Snape was teaching us some easy to make poisons." Harry answered simply.  
  
Remus looked at Harry quietly. Why on Earth would a fifteen year old boy want to take his life? It was ridiculous! Then again, no other fifteen year old had to face the things that Harry would and has all ready faced in his life.  
  
"Harry, I don't think I'm the right person for you to talk to." Remus said softly.  
  
"Why not?" Harry asked, confused.  
  
"Because I too, have been thinking of ending it for quite some time now." Remus admitted sadly.  
  
Harry spilled his drink. "What? But why?" he asked.  
  
"What is the point, Harry? Sirius and James were the closest friends I have and ever will have in this world. They kept my secret and kept me company on those lonely nights when I was a wolf. Now, I have no one else." Remus said. He looked at Harry, and his eyes sparkled slightly. "There is only one thing keeping me from killing myself though." He admitted.  
  
"What is it?" Harry asked.  
  
"You, Harry."  
  
"Me? Why am I the only thing keeping you from doing it?" Remus gave a faint smile that for once, was a genuine one.  
  
"Because, dear boy, you look so much like your father. Yet, you are more mature than James ever was. Also, what kind of friend would I be, if I allowed his only child to hurt himself because of Voldemort?" he asked, with a smile. "You are my life line in these hard times that are, and possibly will be in the future."  
  
Harry looked at Remus quietly, his mind racing with a lot of questions. He bit his lower lip, looking down at the ground. Remus understood, and he placed a hand on Harry's arm gently.  
  
"I am not adding more responsibilities on your all ready heavy shoulders, Harry." He said gently. "I was merely telling you why I had not done it yet. In fact, I was ready to do so, before Hedwig showed up with your letter." He sat back, and he looked at Harry quietly, waiting to see what the boy had to say about all this.  
  
Slowly, Harry looked up at Remus, his eyes glistening with tears. "You know.I often wished that my father was alive to take care of me since I was a little baby. Then, I hoped that Sirius would take me in since he was my godfather and all." He looked at Remus, tears falling down his cheeks. "Would you mind if I looked up to you?"  
  
Remus' throat tightened, his own eyes starting to mist over. As Harry fell into his arms, Remus hugged him close, shutting his eyes to stop the tears from falling.  
  
"No, no of course I won't mind." 


End file.
